IT'S TIME TO STOP KEEPING THE PEACE

Lily Online Magazine has been a community partner with Empowered and Beautiful, a domestic violence support network for many years. Started by Joi Partain a domestic violence advocate who herself survived a horrific life threatening attack by her then boyfriend. Along with Helen Johnson an avid activist on breaking the silence on domestic violence, also a survivor,  they have provided daily support, words of wisdom and most importantly education on recognising and surviving abuse. Both Joi and Helen have kindly written and shared their stories of survival which I’ve published in past issues. You can read Helens story here https://issuu.com/lily_lifeandstyleod/docs/lilyissue7final Joi’s story can be found in this issue https://issuu.com/lily_lifeandstyleod/docs/lilylifeandstyleodfashioncover

The following article contains a ‘Trigger Warning’ for survivors of emotional and sexual abuse and emotional abuse by proxy. Written by Helen Johnson, Domestic and Sexual Violence Advocate and Vice President of Empowered and Beautiful, Domestic Violence Support Network in the United States, it explains some of the most fundamental issues and experiences of Domestic Violence and unfortunately examples of abuse that are not in anyway unique, in fact they are textbook examples that those of us advocating for DV survivors have heard over and over too many times.  

Just be Nice

Just be NICE….This was one of the MAIN statements that kept me feeling too guilty to set and enforce boundaries with people who used my empathy and ‘niceness’ or agreeability against me. Just be ‘nice’ to the family member who treats you and your loved ones like crap... ‘Be nice’ to the boy who hurts you in class, and grabs your body without your permission.  ‘Turn the other cheek’,  ‘Forgive and forget’, ‘Don't antagonise him’, ‘Keep the peace', ... of which there truly is NONE when you are consistently sacrificing your own needs to ‘take care of’  (enable) someone else.

There are so many common phrases that people use to gaslight themselves and others to ‘keep the peace’ and force you back into idealising an abusive person in an attempt to get the abuser to feel ‘good’ about themselves again, and keep them from being abusive (to themselves or to others) again.

But here's the thing.... That's what they WANT. No matter what, you are NEVER responsible for someone else’s decision to lash out and behave abusively.

So, here's the answer…

I won't be ‘nice’ to people who are not kind to me, or to those I care about anymore. I won't ‘keep smiling’ when my chest hurts, and I know that I am avoiding speaking the TRUTH out of fear. Abusers COUNT on us to be QUIET. They count on us to be too afraid to hold them accountable. They will attempt to manipulate you into giving them what they want again. This is what works for them. But it doesn't have to work with us anymore. Fear is a GIFT that lets us know when our boundaries are being violated, and we feel unsafe.

Remind yourself to pay attention to behaviour, no matter how many pretty words someone might use, or how many flowers or gifts they give when they are grooming you again. Gavin de Becker, author of The Gift of Fear - Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence wrote ‘Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait. We do NOT have to be “nice” to (be agreeable with) anyone’.

We should simply be KIND and kindness INCLUDES being kind to one's SELF, as well. The most common gaslighting (meaning to manipulate someone or yourself psychologically into doubting their own sanity) statement there is are the words ‘I'm FINE’. These are the words that put me on edge to hear, because I knew without a doubt that something was very, VERY wrong. 

Once we are able to recognise narcissistic behaviour, it becomes a whole lot easier to stop taking responsibility for a toxic (or abusive) person's choices to behave abusively. Stop buying into an emotionally unhealthy narcissist's version of reality! They don't even believe half of the things that they say. They simply parrot some other abusive schmuck they learned it from, because they weren't original enough to develop their own unique personality. They can continue to subscribe to their warped version of reality, but it doesn't have to be ours!

Time to Stop Keeping the Peace, and create our OWN

One place where an abuser often learns this behaviour is their own family but it can be well hidden from observation by the outside world. According to Psychology Today  ‘In narcissist families, the dynamics can be seen or disguised. The dysfunction displayed in violent and abusive homes is usually obvious, but emotional and psychological abuse, as well as neglectful parenting, are often hidden. While the drama is not displayed as openly to the outside world, it is just as, if not, more damaging to the children. Reviewing these dynamics, one can see how this kind of family can look pretty but be decaying at the same time.’

So in fact playing along with the ‘Be Nice’ and ‘Keeping the Peace’ expectation is only facilitating the ongoing dysfunction. Psychology Today goes on to elaborate ‘If you recognise your family in this description, know that there is hope and recovery. We can't change the past, but we can take control of the now. We do not have to be defined by the wounds in our family systems. As Mark Twain defines the optimist, I see the recovering adult child: ‘A person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness’. We can create new life that will flow through us to the future and stop the legacy of distorted love learned in the narcissistic family. If we choose recovery, we can defy intergenerational statistics.’ You can read more on this article here

https://www.psychologytoday.com/…/the-narcissistic-family-t…

Is there REALLY two sides to every story?

So when that's all said and done how do you then deal with the "There are two sides to every story” comments?

Every once in a while, someone will pop up with this phrase in an attempt to downplay or excuse abuse. It is important to note that abuse is NEVER okay, not for ANY reason.

My first serious boyfriend was beaten by his alcoholic father a lot as a child... not a very original scenario sadly. His father would chase him around with a baseball bat, and his siblings would laugh at him, because at least it wasn't ‘their turn’ to be on the receiving end of the abuse. He withdrew emotionally, and then began to behave passive-aggressively, taking his anger out on others. When I first met him, I was not at all interested in dating, I was very young but eventually he began his ‘grooming’ behaviour. He did all the usual courting behaviour taking me places, I didn't know what love was yet, at the time, but I cared deeply for the broken boy who told me all about his troubled and abusive home life. He was angry at his father for verbally abusing him and beating him, especially more than he abused his brothers, and (as far as I am aware) he never laid a finger on his sisters, but didn't have to in order to abuse them verbally and psychologically everyday.

I sunk deeper and deeper into feeling sorry for the broken boy who shared his pain and shame with me, but at some point that broken boy forgot what it was like to be beaten and otherwise abused by someone he loved, or he at least did not care that he was enacting the exact same type of abuse onto me. He was angry that he had been a victim and wanted to feel the false version of ‘power’ he felt his dad had over him.

So where did that leave me?

I felt so sorry for my abuser, and I felt responsible for not being able to ‘make him happy’ the way I once did when he still idealised me, and ‘loved’ (was infatuated with) me, and used me as an escape from his sad reality. He didn't start out abusing me. It began slowly, and was introduced in small increments. At one point, my abuser either turned off his ability to empathise with others, or just revealed that he had none at all. He only felt sorry for himself. I tried desperately to ‘fix’ the broken boy. 

The bond that we formed before he raped me was intense. So intense that I still felt sorry for HIM, even after he violated me, my trust, and my body. I even stopped crying after he told me to "Quit making him feel bad" because I never wanted to hurt that broken boy, even after he broke me. I felt responsible for his pain, I felt ashamed for making ‘him’ feel bad about his abusive behaviour. He slowly began to introduce more and more abusive acts after that, usually while using the excuse that he was "just joking", and I was once again "being too sensitive". In reality, he did not want to accept any consequences for his poor behaviour, and he was holding me personally responsible for his happiness, or lack thereof.

Yes. There are two (or three, or sometimes more) sides to every story... But in ALL of those sides, no matter what someone's excuse, abuse is NEVER okay. In all of those sides, we ALL have a CHOICE. I was also abused as a child, but I chose to try to ‘fix’ someone else besides myself, and he chose to try to ‘break’ me, instead of fixing himself.

What made us choose to do different things with our pain? Perhaps the ability to empathise was the only difference when it boiled down to it. The red flags were all there in the beginning of our friendship, but I had no knowledge of how to identify abuse and manipulation yet. I only knew how to try to ‘help’ (enable) others, and how to adapt my own reactions to abuse, so that my abuser (hopefully) wouldn't get angry again. I learned to walk on eggshells to try to ‘fix’ an angry boy, in hopes that somehow, he would eventually stop trying to ‘break’ me.

So, what now? Whenever I encounter an abusive person who is angry with me for calling out abuse when I see it, I think of this quote from the Matrix "You have to understand. Most people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured and so hopelessly dependent on the system that they will fight to protect it." This is the reality of an abuser, especially one from a dysfunctional and emotionally or physically abusive family. 

However our job as survivors and activists is to keep shining our light out to other survivors, and break the silence by addressing the issue of domestic violence EVERY TIME we see it, no matter how ‘trivial’ it may seem to some, because Love should NEVER hurt.

Written by Helen Johnson

Domestic and Sexual Violence 

Vice President, Empowered & Beautiful

Domestic Violence Support Network

https://www.facebook.com/EmpoweredAndBeautiful

 All advice in this article is provided with an extreme caution warning. Victims of abuse often experience a range of abuse including but not limited to intimidation, control, threats, financial control, damage to family, relationships and finances via gambling, alcoholism and substance addiction and abuse  including prescription drugs, sexual assault, verbal, emotional and physical abuse. Victims, friends, family and colleagues of victims are advised to exercise caution when dealing with any form of domestic violence. Statistically 1 in 3 Australian Women will experience violence by age 15, the greatest threat to a victims safety is when trying to escape their situation. Domestic violence does not discriminate, victims of abuse include, men, women, children and other family members, friends, colleagues and those from all levels of economic backgrounds and cultures. Whilst we advocate breaking the silence we urge Victims to seek support and advice and always  put their safety and children's safety first. 

See below for places where you can access support. 

https://www.whiteribbon.org.au

https://www.ourwatch.org.au

https://www.1800respect.org.au/

http://www.domesticviolence.com.au/

http://www.breakthesilencedv.org/

https://www.facebook.com/btsadv/

https://www.facebook.com/EmpoweredAndBeautiful

Domestic Violence Statistics in Australia

Many believe Australia is the lucky country. However as the below statistics demonstrate, a dark veil of hidden violence is at epidemic proportions in this country. The vast majority of dangerous, abusive and violent behaviour that occurs in the privacy of people's homes is committed by men against women.  Violence against women is now recognised to be a serious and widespread problem in Australia with enormous individual, community, social and economic costs. 

(Info provided by www.domesticviolence.com.au)

The following basic statistics help demonstrate the prevalence and severity of violence against women: 

• On average at least one woman a week is killed by a partner or former partner in Australia.

• One in three Australian women has experienced physical violence since the age of 15.

• One in four Australian women has experienced physical or sexual violence by an intimate partner.

• One in four Australian women has experienced emotional abuse by a current or former partner.

• Women are at least three times more likely than men to experience violence from an intimate partner.

• Women are five times more likely than men to require medical attention or hospitalisation as a result of intimate partner violence, and five times more likely to report fearing for their lives.

• Of those women who experience violence, more than half have children in their care.

• Violence against women is not limited to the home or intimate relationships.  Every year in Australia over 300,000 women experience violence - often sexual violence - from someone other than a partner.

• Eight out of ten women aged 18 to 24 were harassed on the street in the past year.

• Young women (18-24 years) experience significantly higher rates of physical and sexual violence than women in older age groups.

• Intimate partner violence contributes to more death, disability and illness in women aged 15 to 44 than any other preventable risk factor.

• Domestic or family violence against women is the single largest driver of homelessness for women, a common factor in child protection notifications and results in a police call-out on average once every two minutes across the country.

• The combined health, administration and social welfare costs of violence against women have been estimated to be $21.7 billion  a year, with projections suggesting that if no further action is taken to prevent violence against women, costs will accumulate to $323.4 billion over a thirty-year period from 2014-15 to 2044-45. 

Useful articles

My family member is abusing their partner! What do I do?

http://www.loveisrespect.org/content/family-member-abusing-partner/

Coercive control: How can you tell whether your partner is emotionally abusive?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/coercive-control-how-can-you-tell-whether-your-partner-is-emotio/

 

Apologies and Excuses

http://www.loveisrespect.org/content/apologies-and-excuses/

Abuse Misconception - At least he doesn't hit me.

http://www.reachoutrecovery.com/recovery-topics/abuse/abuse-misconception-at-least-he-doesn-t-hit-me

4 Easy Ways to Create a Modern Cosy Winter Home

Whether your home style is light and modern or dark earthy and eclectic creating somewhere cosy for winter snuggles in bed, reading a good book, catching up with family and friends or watching a  movie in Winter, your home need to take on a more comforting appeal to ward off this winter blues.

Here's some of the best looks I've found and where you can get them.

Cool blue with earthy tones and a warm cream slightly textured couch can create a contemporary and cosy look that's very family friendly.

Shop all these items here.

A mixture of creams and wood tones and thick textured fabric can add a surprisingly warm atmosphere to an otherwise very cool palette. If whites are your thing, this is how to do them in winter to keep the chill out! 

Shop all of these items here. 

Create a modern yet ecclectic look by adding some ethnic prints and patterns to an otherwise contemporary look. It will add a feeling of warmth.

Shop the items in this look here.

Coastal accents don't usual conjure up a cosy home look. However the right combination can do the trick. Add a few deep blue accents and scatter a collection of natural woods and fibres. The mixtur if textures will add a warm casual feel. 

Shop the items in this look here.

Transitioning from the warmer seasons to the cooler ones can be as simple a adding cushions, throws, lighting and even swapping out your coffee table or side tables for winter. It will help you enjoy the cooler months. 

Follow the links as some of these items are currently on sale. If you have any trouble connecting to the stockists page just click HERE.

 

Wall hanging

Creating wall art from holiday found objects is one of my all time favourite artistic outlets. I collectedthese on beach holidays with my son and walks in our locals parks. The glass balls with faux succulents are very affordable now so you can pick up two for about $12.

So with school holidays nearly upon us it's the perfect time to start collecting. On your holiday outings you and the kids should look for driftwood, feathers or any other interesting objects from nature.

Organic Scones

Priscilla-Anne's Organic Scones

My mum taught me to make scones at a very young age but in my early 20's I refined my recipe until it's almost fail safe.

Scones are one of life's simple pleasures. They're incredibly easy to make.  The trick is to have a great recipe....then whipping up a batch of scones is like performing a little bit of Sunday afternoon magic! 

Ingredients

2 cups of organic self raising flour

1/2 teaspoon of salt

60g organic butter

1 Tablespoon of organic sugar

1/2 cup organic milk (keep a little extra to glaze)

1 organic egg 

(Plus any organic dates or sultanas, or to make savoury version do not add sugar but add 1/2 cup of grated cheese and a few punches of chives or your favourite herbs).

Method

Heat over to 220C or 425F. 

Sift flour and salt into bowl. Rub in butter until resembles breadcrumbs. Stir in the sugar and milk then gently mix until a very soft dough. 

Turn onto floured surface and knead very gently (at this time gently knead in any fruit or cheese and herbs).

Very gently roll out until approx 1.8cm thick then use a scone cutter to cut out circles approx 5 cm in diameter. 

Place well apart on a baking tray that's been lightly greased with butter (scones with cheese and lots of fruit might stick a little so remove from tray as soon as out of the oven and/or grease with baking oil). Graze with a little bit of milk before putting in the oven.

Cook for about 10-15 minutes. Watch to make sure fruit does not burn.

Remove from oven when golden brown, check that when cut they are cooked through.

Serve warm with butter on savoury scones and jam and cream on sweet plain scones.

Enjoy!

Organic Veggie Soup

Proof that soup is a meal! 

INGREDIENTS

 

(use organic ingredients)

30g butter

1 garlic clove 

1 large onion diced

1 large carrot diced

2 cups of diced pumpkin 

1 up fresh corn 

1 zucchini diced

1/4 cup of chopped beans

1/4 cup of chopped spinach or silverbeet 

1 can of lentils liquid removed 

1 can of red kidney beans liquid removed

1 can of tomatoes with liquid

1/4 cup of your choice of small pasta

5 cups of veggie stock (you can add more if you want more liquid)

2 sprigs of chopped thyme

2 small leaves of sage chopped

5 basil leaves chopped plus extra for garnish

Pinch of turmeric

Pinch of paprika

Pinch of chilli flakes

2 pinches of salt

Pinch of pepper

Parmesan cheese finely grated

Method:

Melt butter in a large pot and fry onion and garlic until soft.  Add pumpkin, carrots, zucchini, and fry for a further 5  minutes then add all other ingredients bring to boil then simmer until veggies soft. Serve with Parmesan cheese on top, a bit of basil and with fresh bread.

Enjoy! 

Priscilla-Anne x

Add a Hint of Vintage to your Look for Autumn!

TAALIS textured pencil skirt $249

Christian Louboutin So Kate Leopard-Print Satin Pumps $960.23

ASOS The off the shoulder with short sleeves in rib $24

The buckle up biker jacket $249.95

Rhodes strappy straw wedge (earrings) $16.95

WILD for you mini skirt $89.95

Felicity swing tie swing blouse $79.99

Manolo Blahnik $1029.31

Odette Cape $319

Cresent hoop earring $12.99

Lace sheer blouse, $5091.31

Flared pants, $1029.31

Hetty statement floral aliceband, $34.99

Morgan longline cape, $139.99

Scoop back bodysuit, $19.99

Carrie 100 Crystal-Embellished Suede Block Heel Sandals, $3350.45

Lavato Coat, $329.99

Lace dress, $49.99

Emma Jewelled belt, $34.99

Laila Diamante drop earrings, $14.99

So Kate patent leather pumps, $932.60

Alexander Mcqueen Short ruffle jacket $3037.95

Flared pants, $1029.31 (not shown)

Christian Louboutin react-empty: 12 Ferme Rouge 85 Suede & Leopard-Print Calf Hair Pumps $1466.35

Sully crystal stud earrings in clear

Lula Pouch Tote bag $69.99

Ivy Top Bar sunglasses $34.99

If you love Makayla Walkers style as much as we do follow her on Instagram at 

missaudreymlw and sewvintage_

 

Much more than a weight loss story

Every now and then you meet someone who astounds you with their positive attitude, generosity and energy. Kylie Paterson is one of those people. I had the pleasure of working with Kylie for many years at RMIT University. However it wasn't until we both had moved on in our careers and lives and we kept in contact via social media that I discovered just how inspiring her health and fitness story is and how her discovery of good lifestyle habits and nutritional knowledge contributed to shifting her spiralling health into a story of healthy success.

Here's Kylie's story.

Subconsciously, all of my life I struggled with weight issues.  I was born with severe club feet in 1969 which at the time required a lot of surgery, rehab, plastered legs and then callipers.  Due to the restrictions of plaster etc. on my lower legs, I developed larger than usual thighs.  It wasn’t until I went to primary school that I even knew there was a difference between me and any other child.  At this time I also found out I was taller and stronger than other children too.  Throughout school I used this to my advantage on the sporting field and competed in every sport, often beating both girls and boys.  

When I hit puberty I really noticed the difference because boys were not interested in me at all.  In hindsight, I can see that it was more about sporting prowess, alpha personality, and lack of vulnerability that repelled them.  When I look back at old photos, I can see that I was just as pretty as all the other girls and not much different in size.  My first experience of dieting was quite young. Mum put me on a “diet” (I think I was following the Jenny Craig program that one of mum’s friends was doing at the time) and stopped me from eating sweets.  Although I had a sweet tooth, we didn’t eat much sweets/lollies etc. because we lived in the country and didn’t get into town very often.  So, while my thin sister and my thin mother could eat chocolate, I was denied.  I might have lost 5 pounds at the maximum.

In 1987, during year 12, I found out that I was dyslexic and could now attribute most of my lack of academic success  and constant disruption in the classroom to this.  Since puberty I had thought I was both ugly and dumb, and started eating more to make myself feel better.  Although I was not aware of this at the time and I still had a very active sporting life, I was Vice House Captain, I looked after horses and rode at an elite level, playing netball on Saturdays and competing in ALL school sporting events. 

When I left school after the miracle of passing year 12, I kept up the sport, but was more in charge of my eating and now drinking.  I learnt to binge drink at 18 and enjoyed it every weekend.  There was never any shortage of food and alcohol and I never gave a thought to what was going in my mouth and the kilos slowly piled on.  But I was still big enough to easily carry them.

In 1996 I moved to Queensland on another adventure, for the first 3 months of living up there I noticed an increase in the size of my thighs as they were rubbing together and sweating a lot in the heat.  I got a job at a sport centre which also meant I started playing netball and indoor cricket 4 nights a week.  I met new friends and was introduced to outrigger canoeing.  For the next 4 years, I got very fit, as the canoeing required the strength and endurance to paddle for up to 2 hours in choppy and sometimes dangerous seas.  I loved it.  But I was STILL bigger than all the beach babes in Queensland doing the same sport, and I still found it difficult to entice a male partner who thought of me as anything but a friend.  I have more friends than you can poke a stick at, still do, everyone wants to be my friend but that’s it.

Finally, I found a lover and I feel like we both “settled” for each other.  It wasn’t ideal, and it wasn’t good for my mindset.  We moved back to Melbourne, to his family so that he could work in the family business as a truck driver.  I got a job at Telstra and went to University to learn about the transport business.

As with everything I do, I threw myself in and gave 110%, University was no different. When I left the University in 2010 I had 4 degrees as well as some certificates and a Diploma.    During the first 3 years at University, I studied during the day and worked at Telstra at night.  As soon as I completed my studies I was employed by the University and worked there until 2010.   I managed to gain 10kg a year for 5 years. In 2005 I weighed 139 kilos and my knees were aching with arthritic pain and my body was struggling to carry the fat.  I was tired and bloated and since my bloke was away all the time I 'comfort ate'.  When he was home, we ate out or cooked up huge meals and entertained.   I got married at my fattest.  My wedding photos make me cringe.  I tried many diets while my husband was working because he was away for 2 week stretches but as soon as he got home we ate, and I always felt that it put me back to square one.  I yo-yoed constantly and always ended up a few kilos more than when I started. 

At just 37 I had to see a knee surgeon, he told me that he wouldn’t touch me unless I was under 100 kilos.  I went to another, who said the same thing.  I investigated in lapband surgery, but the surgeon talked me out of it. At the end of 2007 at a BBQ I saw my sister-in-law and I noticed she had lost a lot of weight.  As a joke, I said to her, “you’ve had a lapband!" She grabbed me and dragged me into the kitchen and asked how I knew.  "Just a hunch really", I told her.  I went to visit her surgeon and he was happy to help.  With the lapband in I successfully starved myself and lost 49kilos, and got down to 90kg by my 40th birthday.  I felt fantastic on the outside, and great in my head because I “looked” good and for the first time in my life, men were noticing me. 

But, I really struggled with the lapband, I felt choked, I threw up a lot and I didn’t have any energy because I couldn’t get enough good food into me. I didn’t know enough about food and nutrition to help myself.  I started eating comfort food again, mainly because it went through the band and I could keep eating.  I used to joke about my “CH” diet of chocolate, chips and cheese.  My husband didn’t like the attention that I was getting from other men and he was stuck in his own rut and had gained a lot of weight too.  In 2010 I left him,  I was sick of being lonely and confident enough to think I could find someone else.  My rebound was a guy 11 years my junior with his own set of issues.  I jumped from the frying pan into the fire, and started drinking heavily again, with my alcoholic boyfriend. 

In 2012, I decided that the lapband had to go, I had managed to get back up to 110 kilos and felt terrible.  The surgeon suggested I have a sleeve operation instead, which is where ¾ of the stomach is taken out.   In the 6 weeks between the lapband coming out and the sleeve operation, I gained another 10kilos. I can’t even fathom how?  But I know I was depressed and comfort ate as I could now eat steak, pizza and fish and chips.

The sleeve was great because I could eat anything, just not much of it, which still left me with no energy and I spent most of my spare time sitting on the couch watching TV or on the computer.  After a few years my stomach stretched a little bit and I could progressively get more food in.  I plateaued at 104kilos and couldn’t move it.   

My knees were still painful, so I went to a surgeon.  He was ready to admit me to hospital within the month for a knee replacement, but I found out that my Private Health insurance was not top cover, when I had believed it was.  I now had a 12month waiting period and a crazy wake call.  Fortunately I am not one to dwell on the negatives, I would rather create a good situation if I can.  So I decided to get as fit as I could in the next 12 months so that my knees would heal quickly and last a long time.

I had been talking to an old friend over the Christmas period and she looked fabulous, she had been using a nutritional cleansing system through a company called Isagenix and she was excited.  I was skeptical but thought, if it worked for Sally, it will work for me, so I tried it with the intention of doing it for a month.  My goal was to get to 75kilos.  It was a figure I plucked out of the sky.

Within the first month my weight had dramatically decrease and I was starting to feel better, more energetic and better able to sleep.  I got off the couch and started walking my dog, just for 10 minutes 3 times a week.  Within 3 months I was walking an hour, 6 days a week.  So I started to run, and to do Fun Runs as a goal.  I had also started seeing a physiotherapist to help me with knee exercises as surgery prep.  My physio asked me to stop running and do other exercises, over time I found them to be too easy.   At this point I had been using the Isagenix system for 6 months and had lost 19 kilos.  

One day when I was out walking, I saw a gym, near my home and I went in.  I showed the Personal Trainer my physiotherapy instructions.  He explained he could tailor a program for me and it all started. I lost another 5 kilos and put on 5 kilos of lean muscle.  I had been measuring my body and found that I lost 18cm from each thigh in 12 months, as well as around 20cm from my waist and hips.  My bra sizes have gone down significantly and my muscle tone is very visible.  I am strong, fit and healthy, and I feel normal for the first time in my life.  I look in the mirror and I see a normal 47-year-old.  But I am not normal.  Just before Christmas I equaled the gym weightlifting record, set by a 25-year-old, which I am very proud of.  I wanted to extend the record so no one could catch me but I sustained a shoulder injury and had to let that one go.  I feel now that I am in a better head space and can deal with this type of disappointment better than I did in the past.

Working out at the gym has given me yet another lease on life and opened up a door full of opportunities.  I am considering more study  becoming  a personal trainer, and I love setting and hitting weight lifting goals.

My current goal is to recover from my knee surgery in March to May.  I am having 2 total knee replacements.  Due to the work I have put into my body, the recovery prognosis has totally changed.  Before losing the weight, I would have been discharged after 3 days and sent to the rehab centre with elderly people and car accident victims.  Because I have worked hard, I stay at the hospital to complete rehab and leave after 10 days.  For me this is huge!  I will also be able to go back to gym with weeks and keep working on my upper body.  My long term goal is to run a triathlon at the end of 2018,  a fair amount of time away as it takes bones that long to heal from this sort of surgical trauma.

In the past 12 months, I had learnt about nutrition, my digestive system, my muscular system, my skeletal system, strength and conditioning, network marketing, coaching, self-awareness, and self-love.  I have come out of my depressive cave and met new people, made new friends, connected with old friends again and enriched my life.  I feel very grateful for this experience and wish for everyone to feel as good as I do.  I even completed a coaching course so that I could help others.  

If I had my time again, I would do everything exactly the same, because I am who I am and that is what shaped me.  But if I was advising my younger self, I would have taught her about food and nutrition from an early age, so that she knew how to look after herself better and she could confidently get the best out of her body.  She was always going to succeed, she may have done it quicker and she may have loved herself more and made better decisions because of that.

Written by

Kylie Paterson

Intro and interview by Priscilla Green

Find out more about Kylie's weight loss strategies and how she became fit and healthy here:

http://kyliepaterson11.isagenix.com/

https://www.facebook.com/Kyliepj

Facebook Group : 

Living with Love Energy and Success

_{Read our interview with Kylie, where I ask her to ellorate on some of her experiences,  feelings and reflections on her journey.}

_{Do you feel your weight gain was triggered by anything or was it just a health issue related?}

_{I think my predisposition for weight gain is genetic, my father was stocky.  Some might read my story and say I was a victim of circumstance.  But I don’t consider myself a victim either, as I don’t like to lay blame.  Health issues certainly contributed, having club feet as a baby altered by physiology but your physiology does not shove chocolate in your mouth!} 

_{What are some of the ways weight gain has effected your life?}

_{I feel like it has affected my ability to attract a partner, but that is really about self worth and self love.  I never really felt good enough when I realised what was happening.  Weight gain has also affected my body structure and put unnecessary stress on my joints.}  

_{What was your personal and family attitude to health and weight, did that play a role?}

_{All of my family are small or normal sized people, so I felt different.  I don’t think I had a good grounding in nutrition, but living on a farm, we ate well and didn’t pig out on junk food.  I just don’t think I gained enough respect for food at an early age.}

_{The world is made up of lots of different shapes and sizes, but what is your goal with your health and weight and why?}

_{My most recent goal was to be fit for my knee operations.  Then as I learnt about my body at the gym and studied up on it as well, I want to push its limits. I want to complete in a triathlon and I want to prepare a body building worthy physique.  This may not be possible as I have so much loose skin, but I am willing to give it a try.  I am very driven when I have set a goal, but I must say, weightloss goals were a weakness, because they were only for me.  I am good at doing things for others and playing in a team, on an individual basis, I have often struggled with worthiness issues and not achieved what I could.}

_{How have you turned your life and health around?}  

_{18 months ago, I felt I had no direction and no place in the world.  As I have no kids, it all seemed a bit pointless and I was in so much pain that I would even contemplate leaving.   But that little light at the end of the tunnel flickered and I got the chance to live pain free.  This makes a huge difference.  It made me want to help others and be a good human being again.} 

_{What are some of the setbacks and challenges you experienced?}

_{Specifically, in the past 12 months I have had injury setbacks from pushing myself too hard.  I have learnt to be kinder and to recover.. I have also had redundancies and employment issues which caused financial stress and made it hard to keep focused on my health.  Especially when I don’t know if I can pay my rent.  I have had to struggle to pay gym membership and forgo some trips to the physio or osteopath in favour of using painkillers instead.}

_{Why do you think your method has worked for you?} 

_{I think the Isagenix system worked for me because it encompasses highly dense nutrition that I could absorb into my body easily.  It was easy to start and gave me plenty of training about food to help incorporate a balanced and healthy diet and to change that up as I got fitter and my needs changed. It also has a great community of support and help and the best training you can get for free.  I have learnt more in the past 12 months than I did in any one of my 4 degrees.  There is plenty of science behind it so I feel confident that what I am doing is good for my body and I FEEL fabulous.  I want to feel this good forever.}

_{What would you have done differently if you had your time again?}

_{Be kinder to my younger self and teach her about nutrition and finances.  Teach her to respect herself.}

_{What advice would you give others going through similar experiences?}

_{If you want to see change, you have to make whole hearted changes.  You have to find your WHY, set your intentions, and work hard towards change.  Don’t try and do it on your own, link arms with people who care.  Get rid of the toxic people in your life, so that you can move forward.  Don’t be frightened of an opportunity because you have never seen it before, because you have had a bad experience with it in the past or because your friends have given you their opinion.  Trust your gut instinct and do it!}